Follow by Email

19 November 2009

Headache

It's so deep. Throbbing. Like 600 jets flying in circles, full throttle. So loud. So thunderous. Each jet symbolizing my problems. Some flying over more then others. Land somewhere already. Shouldn't you be at bingo fuel by now? What.......the......fuck!!!!! Confusion. Trust. Love. Frustration. We need to talk. We need to be close. I need to see you. I need to feel you. I can't be on the bench anymore. I've watched enough. I've let this shit ride long enough. I shall emerge. I shall win you over or lose you in the process. I've come to grips with it. What the fuck yo? Seriously, what the fuck? How? Why? Howhy? Not a typo, I said howhy? This is the 2nd least making sense blog I wrote which shows this headache is persistent. It's gonna destroy me. It's gonna deafen me. I shall not be silenced, but it will overcome me. From headache, to toothache, to chestache, to slight heart burn with a heavy dose of heart attack. Ailing? A lil bit. Bitter? Not so much. Upset? Yes. Mad? No. Hurt? You already know. It's all good though. I shall be alright. I shall move on with or without you although I'm sure you know which one I'm aiming for. Damn I could really hit somethin right now. Road House!!!!!

18 November 2009

Drawing a blank

I've neglected this thing for the past couple days because...well....I just didn't feel like writing. I've been stressed lately and nothing is really helping. Trey's birthday was on Sunday. He turned 4 and still a spoiled brat. Tristan is attached to Daddy.....guess he's Daddy deprived. Then there's the spouse that seems to be just as attached.....if not more. Being loved is the best feeling in the world. I may not feel that way everywhere, but I do at home. When I'm not with them, I find myself constantly looking at a star in the sky, mesmerized by it's brightness. As you try to figure out what I mean by that, stop wasting your time. I look at the sky a lot. Stars are beautiful. Don't judge me.

So as I look at this beautiful star, my mind wanders. While it wanders, I think things that I probably shouldn't think. I want to do things I probably shouldn't do. Yet it still wanders. Searching for the perfect desires. Scanning my memories for moments when I was swimming in happiness. There's different degrees or tiers of happiness. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll be glad to personally explain it to you. I won't right now though. The point I'm trying to make is simple. You wake up in the morning thinking what kind of day you're going to have and it either goes well or bad. Each day is different in its on way even if it seems that it feels the same. I, for one, am tired of feeling the way I do each and every day. So I'mma strive to change it. As I look at the star every night, it will remind me that I need to get my shit together and do what's necessary to achieve my ultimate goal. True happiness.

13 November 2009

Random.....Just Random (try to understand)

it is what it is which is this or a fist wit a wish to kiss this chick on the top of mii list sexy and sweet a heart wit no beat six toes on both feet dimples on your cheek an outcome so bleak we've reached our peak a kiss on the cheek departing with an outreach washed away wit bleach for i think i just skeet so excited but can't speak

heading down then around avoid the ground there's a sound home ward bound scared of the clown at the foot of my bed creeping to my head eyes open partially red hair starting to shed shoot him now make him dead run away shoes gone astray runnin faster then they meet me halfway where we went yesterday but wait.......just wait.....i feel it........hold on......it's comin......stay low........i hear it i see it i smell it believe it too far to fear it

glock in hand holding real tight the taste of the steel leaked onto my mouth whats it all about what we doin wrong its been so long i feel so strong i can take control i demand the ability i can sustain it wont be denied it'll be classic just open your eyes i'll die before i lie about my integrity sensitive i am think wit my dick but thrive wit my heart strive for a part in your life that'll be my defining point of invincibilty

Behind The Shadows

The heart of a true love only beats for you

The soul of a true love only mates with you

The mind and body tends to falter behind you

The mind and body tends to distort what we see as reality

The tendency to be loved and desired only to fall apart

What is it behind the shadows of the unfaithful heart?

Or is it the heart that’s just the scapegoat…taking the fall

As the mind and body together unravel the work of the heart

The mind sends the impulses; the body acts; the heart gets conflicted

Time and time again the cycle goes; a tortured soul is born

Burned into it; forever tainted with the blood of adultery

Are sinister forces at work or is it the act of man?

Does the devil lurk around giving the necessary push to act out?

Engraved in a man’s soul are the previous failures of control

Fighting the urge that was bestowed on us at birth

The very testosterone that differs us physically, affects us mentally

Natural aggression; Natural urges; Natural failures of control

What will it take? What will we do to control the fate we’ve suffered?

Why hasn’t the evolution of our mental capabilities prevented this?

Acceptance is needed but frowned upon

It’s embedded in our soul; Embedded in our minds

For behind the shadows is not the devil or god

It’s just you; preventing yourself from evolution

12 November 2009

Surrounded

I've come across this bridge before. Why am I more inclined to continue this time?
I've sat on this rock before. Why am I still sitting here?
I walk. You stop. You walk. I stop.
This is all to familiar. That faint sound gets louder.
Strange? Maybe. Unfamiliar? Not in the least.
It's a quick pace. Starting to feel insanely weird. I don't like it.
Listening to it frightens me. That drumming sound full of base.
Look left. Look right. Look up. Look down. Straight ahead. Turn around.
Something is coming behind me. Shadows of the night.
That faint to loud sound gets deafening now. I run to get away from the shadows.
There's so many of them. Surrounding me all at once.
No where for me to go. No way for me to escape.
They stand and look at me. No eyes. No body. Just shadows with a dark aura.
I wait. I shake. I pray. Then stop.
Apparent to me know. I know these shadows. What do they want?
I move, they move. I run, they run. Mimicking me down to the last stomp.
What do you want from me?
What do you desire to do?
It's just my own voice that I hear. That and the drumming.

You Don't Realize it Until You're Asked

It's been a minute since I wrote anything, but I'mma break that streak right now wit something real. My wife and I have issues like any other couple. The main difference is probably most couples don't have someone that blogs. I'm not going to get into detail about our shit, but just know we're not seeing eye to eye. So as she's talking to me and asking about what I want and things of that nature, I don't really say anything. She then starts getting specific.

Do any of these people love you?
Do any of these people want you in there life for the rest of their life?
Do any of these people care about you?

So on and so forth. I literally was on the brink of tears and as I'm writing this at work, I'm on that brink again. I know the answer to that. I've always known the answer to that. Yet I keep letting 3rd parties control me. I keep letting people that don't give two shits about me delegate how I live my life. Why? Why do I care so much about people that don't care about me and turn my back on those that love me the most? It makes no sense. It's the dumbest shit I'm doing. If someone has an answer for that, please let me know cuz this shit is ridiculous. My son is lacking clothes yet I'm spending/lending money to people that don't appreciate me. WTF!!!!!!!!

05 November 2009

The Way Things Work

I never understood the way some things worked. Well, to a certain extent. Like trying to get your first job: Hard to find cuz no one wants to hire you without experience, yet you can't get experience until someone hires you. Same thing with credit. The fact you get punished for things once is fine, but to get punished for the same thing is just fucked up.

My situation is very simple. As a 19 yr old in the Air Force, I spent A LOT of money. I was young and wasn't used to that type of paycheck. When i got married, I was making twice as much. I mean seeing over a grand in a paycheck was amazing to me. So I was splurging. Not understanding my credit, I was using that up to. Then started utilizing payday loans, which I don't even remember how or why i got into that. When the calls to my job started, that's when the red flags flew up and when the probing began. My supervisor said he could help.....tried to help....ended up actually making things worse. I mean my credit was and still is HORRIBLE!!!!!! At that time, it was semi-manageable. Either way, I got punished for it by separating from the Air Force for what they call a pattern of misconduct. BULLSHIT but whatever.

That brings to the now. I was out of the Air Force from June 06 to Sep 07. In between, I worked at a couple jobs, nothing better then a contractor for PlaneTechs in Alabama, but couldn't maintain that for transportation reasons. So when I found this job, my debt was really bad since everything basically defaulted and the car that I did have was repoed in January of 07. The fact that I had to upgrade to a TS clearance means my background was going to be probed. I have a clean record, but the Air Force discharge and the financial history was the problem. I had a hearing to address those concerns. To prove I'm working on my financial history, I showed my debt management program which shows I'm making an effort the best way I can. My argument for the Air Force was that I was young.....which I was. I'm 24 years old right now and gained the maturity necessary to avoid that "pattern" of misconduct. Yet the Administrative Judge didn't feel that way. Not only was I ruled against, but my clearance was immediately pulled. Now my job is in limbo.

While going thru the appeal process, I have to be thankful that I'm liked. I'm going to do everything I can to maintain my job, but I must say that this is bullshit. I'm doing what I can to rectify the situation, yet I'm still seen as a huge liability. I can see why the Government would think that someone would sell secrets to a foreign government for money, but that would occur for anyone unless you're already rich. The fact that I'm in debt doesn't really make me more of a liability then someone with no debt. Maybe for a car loan, but not for a job. It makes no sense to me, but I have to deal with it. I will win my appeal because I wont accept defeat.

Damn right,
B

04 November 2009

Never Saw It Comin

I don't have much of a dating history. Nowhere near as lengthy as my sexual history, just to put it out there. I want to take the time to go down memory lane for a second to get to my point.

March 2002. Fayetteville, NC. I was a junior in high school. My dad was stationed at Ft. Bragg along with my uncle and favorite cousin, Carlanda. Through her is how I met Jessica Marie Clayton. We met at a skating ring that I got talked in to going to just to meet her. We barely talked to each other for reasons unknown, but we had our first moment by skating together to the song Satisfy You by P. Diddy and R. Kelly. Fantastic. From that point on, I basically tried to court her since she was dating someone at the time. If I remember correctly, it took about 3 days to actually succeed. From that point on, my life kinda surrounded that relationship. I brought her along on family bowling nights, talked to her everyday as often as possible. Tried to see her as often as possible. I mean we were in love and lame at the same time. She'd be bored at certain times and just decide to fuck wit me. I'd be so lame that not only do I let her, I'd force some shit out. For example, an ongoing thing she used to do is just say she wants to break up wit me. I'd ask why and she'd say whatever comes to mind at that time. I'd sit there like a lil bitch and start forcing out tears like she could see me. Sad. A black eye on my rep yo. This was like a daily occurrence. It wasn't always like that, of course. When we were together, I swear my dad was helping me out cuz he left us alone quite often. When I visited her at her house, we walked down to the school and engaged in a little action there on the steps (I wonder if that condom has been found lol). I mean it was a good time in my life.

So how did it all come to an end? Simple really. I got impatient. I haven't seen her for a while and every time I asked when I was gonna see her, she didn't sound optimistic about it at all. I decided to walk to her house early in the morning, which is like 10 miles or something like that. With the right timing, I should have been there after her mom left. Nope. I got there as her mom was leaving. I turned my back and started walking to the park. I didn't think she saw me. She did. I go to Jessica's house, surprising her, thinking we were going to be able to chill for a good minute. Few minutes later, her mom comes in. I hide in the closet, but she already knew I was in the house. Caught. When I initially left, she came out to talk to me and tried to calm me down saying everything was ok. Her mom called my dad and we were basically banned from each other for a while. But as time went by, she no longer wanted to be with me so....yea.

Basically we both moved on. She ended up moving to Virginia that summer. I stayed in Fayetteville so focused on sex that I was skipping school for it. Every once in a while, I'd find her and see how she is. That brings me to now. For the past couple years, we didn't really talk much. Back in 2007 (maybe 06), I tried seeing her for the first time in years. She told me where she lived and everything. I was visiting my mother in Newport News and I drove out to her house. She not only wasn't there, but she didn't answer any of my phone calls. I don't think i even had a cell phone. I was calling her using a pay phone and I believe I used quite a few quarters. Yea, she had a reasonable excuse that escapes me at the moment, but it was still frustrating and disappointing. Since then, we didn't talk much. That was until recently. By recently, I mean like two weeks ago. So far it's been just online, but everyday when I log on yahoo, we talk. Funny thing is we actually have quite a few things in common that makes things funnier. For example, our love for Family Guy and Robot Chicken. We both have two kids, one being a newborn, and can share stories about em. We're both in complicated situations. I mean it's very minor things, but we can basically talk to each other about any and every thing.

With that said, I'd really like to thank Ms. Clayton for being a good friend. I'll try to keep everything real wit you and maintain giving you decent advice. Yea, I never saw that comin.

Fa Real,
B

29 October 2009

LIST

Love is simply tantalizing. I feel it manifesting in me like an alien ready to burst out my chest. I can hear you....you're so far from me. I can see you....you're so sexy. I can feel you.....you're so soft, baby. I can taste you....wow you taste so sweet. This love is so tantalizing. Juicy. Rich. This forbidden fruit has me engulfed in its organic orgasm spinning down through my blood vessels. Just a bite. Just a taste. Just a way for me to embrace the foundation of the lust I have for you and transform it into a love so rewarding. Appreciation. Satisfaction. Damn I'm loving your reaction. No action can compare to the miles of land and air separating our natural attraction. It's not fair. It's not fair. Distance may separate but nothing can keep me from you. We've come a long way. Let me rub your feet. So tired from the journey. I'm here now. You and me. Together at last. Perfection has caught up with our wandering. Our hearts are together at last. They beat simultaneously. With each kiss, each breath, each touch, each caress......I know you feel just like me. This love is simply tantalizing.

28 October 2009

Tomorrow's Darkness

Tomorrow brings uncertainty. Today passes with clarity attached like a document to an email. Tomorrow brings hope. Today brought closure on another day in your life that is getting more complete. Tomorrow will soon be today, today will be yesterday and yesterday would be forgotten. They say to always live your life like today would be your last but you and I both know the way you go about your day will plague you with regrets if your time came. I like to live like there's always a tomorrow. Tomorrow gets me closer to you. Tomorrow gets me closer to fulfillment. To make plans in another month is expecting to be able to fulfill those plans at that time. If I didn't expect that, I'd make them today. I wouldn't work. I wouldn't sleep. I wouldn't continue to be a law abiding citizen. Self gratification is the key to happiness when tomorrow brings more darkness. The world can end at any moment. It won't be by God's hand as you may think but by the hands of men that don't care about human life or human happiness. The very freewill that makes us unique will be our downfall. So I cuddle with you at night in anticipation of opening my eyes to see your face. For tomorrow's darkness is just a bad weather day.

Full of Randomness

I've been here in New Mexico for two days now. Don't really know what to make of this state. Lot of mountains and emptiness. I can see the military basically owns most of the square footage down here for missile tests and whatnot. The mountains make me think of The Hill Have Eyes. Eerie shit. So what am I doing in New Mexico you ask? Well my job. What do I do? Pfft...please. But if you must know, I do my part to contribute to our efforts overseas. I haven't been blogging long enough to really make any grand leaps or bounds about my desires or to really immerse myself in full comfortability to a public that I don't know about.

On this day, I have 2 followers which will grow as time passes and the masses learn about this fella behind a laptop (which is a netbook at this current moment). The more I write, the more I feel like Hank Moody of Californication played by David Duchovny in which he massively expressed his disdain for bloggers yet utilized it to really get his thoughts out about things like female pubic hair. I mention that cuz the suggestion was made to me to blog about female pubic hair and I must say I somewhat share his feelings. Now the person that suggested it to me may have been joking, but I could and would talk about it if I wasn't so concerned about my image to people that may actually know me. I think about it now, and that' s hardly the case. I just don't want to sound scary similar to Hank Moody in the form of describing what's a good quantity of female pubic hair.

It's one of the strange things that happens throughout your life. People watch you grow up and soon you're doing adult things and those people that's been watching you are just blown away by the way you talk and act. Then you go through the same exact thing. While you're doing these things you realize that there's no wrong in it, but then you get feedback about it and how it's just so unexpected. You don't know if you should feel slightly embarrassed or slightly flattered. Of course, it all comes down to circumstance. I remember when I lost my virginity and told my mom. Later on I find out my dad still thought I was a virgin at the age of 17 or whatever. Innocence. Yea, to be married and have kids is very much innocent. But to have side projects......not so much. Makes you a bad boy.....or a better term....an asshole.

But see as Americans, we can't just worry about our own affairs. It doesn't matter how out of whack your household is. You tend to be more into other people's lives. Gay marriage, abortion....tell me how anything of substance like that should concern you? Marriage stopped being such a big thing since the mid 60s. The values in it are lost or just not as meaningful. Divorce rates are so high, further proving that fact. Why should you care if gays get married? Will that mean you can't get married? Does that devalue your marriage? Is it physically causing you pain to see a gay couple tie the knot? In the same sense, why should you care if a woman gets an abortion? Let's be clear, a fetus is nothing more then a parasite. A woman's body is the host. A parasite lives off the host: breathes, feeds, grows....everything is driven by the host. So technically, a fetus is a parasite until it's born. So if you can't get rid of a parasite, does that mean you're gonna give tapeworms the same right? Here's a better idea, instead of the mother paying for a procedure that costs less then a grand, how about she has the baby, gets on welfare and let everyone pay for her and the baby for the next 18+ years. "Octomom" would fall into that category. When you see people like that feeding off the government that we all pitch in to pay for cuz we all (should) pay taxes....how can you be so against abortion?

But you know what, I didn't come here to bitch about two of my sore subjects. I just hate when people get balls deep in shit that doesn't concern them. What you do in your household is your own business. Stay the fuck outta mine unless you're invited.

Yea Buddy!
B

23 October 2009

The Fatigued Mother


A lot can be said about single mothers. Some of those things said about them can also be said about attached mothers. Either way, they all have several things in common when it comes to private time. A friend of mine that became a mother for the second time kinda re-opened my eyes on the lack of "her time". Another friend of mine brought to light the many issues she faces as a single mother. Then there's my own wife that I see on a daily basis (when I'm in town) go through her days like she's a single mother. It's something I fail to understand...why don't we, being the male species, really try to be more caring about a woman's needs to get away from the stress or recharge their batteries after hours and hours of nurturing? What makes it so hard for us to get out of the selfish stage and be a father, grandfather, brother, or whatever you are to the little tyke?

Every mother I know that is going through the early childhood years are more stressed then anything. The fact they have to do it alone is even more stressful. Hell, my wife is basically doing things alone since I deploy on a yearly basis and work like my life depends on it....which only our lifestyle does. It breaks my heart sometimes but I swear she has it down to a science. On the other hand, there are those that can't even get a moment to get centered or constantly being told how to raise their child. Why aren't there more programs for these women that needs assistance but don't want to pay the price of enriched uranium just to do it? Why does monthly child care cost more then apartments? It's like when you go and get your car fixed....the labor ends up costing more then the parts. For these fatigued mothers, child birth was way less painful then the BS they deal wit on a daily basis.

But B, isn't this a lil hypocritical of you...aren't you one of those very individuals that don't look out for the mother of your own damn kids?

Of course not. I recognize my own flaws. I'm still trying to figure it out. It really makes no sense. Then again, my wife doesn't ask for her time....she asks for other things. So technically, I'm not in the wrong. She hands me Tristan.....I take him and don't give him back til he's hungry or I think he's hungry. Who knows what she does in that time.....I don't care. I do my part. What about the rest of you? Can you say the same thing?

I do what I can for the people I can reach out to. I always tend to assist the single mother more then anything because it's hard. You get no time to yourself unless the baby (or kids) are sleep and by then you wanna sleep yourself. It's ridiculous and sad. The fairer sex needs a lil more fairness in a very unfair world. I'm sure there's plenty of real men out there that has no problem providing the fair balance.....in my opinion I'm one of them.

With that said, don't do anything I wouldn't do unless you can do it better.
B

The First

So after months of having this thing, I'm finally putting the effort to make at least one post. I've bounced ideas back and forth with no real idea of what to put here. As a writer, I tend to brainstorm more then write. I guess that's why it takes me so long to really finish something. Where do my real talents lie? Is it expressing myself through distant and private avenues? Do I enjoy being behind the shadows more then bumping shoulders with anyone related to "attention"? I guess I should at least start with introductions. I am Brent Campbell. If you're here, you must know me or be bored. I live a very consistent life. It's consistently boring. As goofy and silly as I am, I don't show it nearly enough to garnish anything close to a real life. Shit happens B. I spend most of my days at work anyway. Gotta kill dem terrorists so my kids and your kids can be safe. Rather you believe the whole war on terror is irrelevant at this current juncture. Don't get it twisted. I do what I do for patriotism and a fat paycheck. Prolly the paycheck more. Be as it may, I think putting my thoughts down in a method more suitable for my personality should have been done months ago when I first created this blog. Don't worry. I'm here and will be posting often. Well...as often as I have internet. So with that said, I hope you stay with me and enjoy my thoughts as we proceed to finish the year 2009 better then we started it. Until my next post.....don't do anything I wouldn't do unless you can do it better. Later.