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19 November 2009


It's so deep. Throbbing. Like 600 jets flying in circles, full throttle. So loud. So thunderous. Each jet symbolizing my problems. Some flying over more then others. Land somewhere already. Shouldn't you be at bingo fuel by now? What.......the......fuck!!!!! Confusion. Trust. Love. Frustration. We need to talk. We need to be close. I need to see you. I need to feel you. I can't be on the bench anymore. I've watched enough. I've let this shit ride long enough. I shall emerge. I shall win you over or lose you in the process. I've come to grips with it. What the fuck yo? Seriously, what the fuck? How? Why? Howhy? Not a typo, I said howhy? This is the 2nd least making sense blog I wrote which shows this headache is persistent. It's gonna destroy me. It's gonna deafen me. I shall not be silenced, but it will overcome me. From headache, to toothache, to chestache, to slight heart burn with a heavy dose of heart attack. Ailing? A lil bit. Bitter? Not so much. Upset? Yes. Mad? No. Hurt? You already know. It's all good though. I shall be alright. I shall move on with or without you although I'm sure you know which one I'm aiming for. Damn I could really hit somethin right now. Road House!!!!!

18 November 2009

Drawing a blank

I've neglected this thing for the past couple days because...well....I just didn't feel like writing. I've been stressed lately and nothing is really helping. Trey's birthday was on Sunday. He turned 4 and still a spoiled brat. Tristan is attached to Daddy.....guess he's Daddy deprived. Then there's the spouse that seems to be just as attached.....if not more. Being loved is the best feeling in the world. I may not feel that way everywhere, but I do at home. When I'm not with them, I find myself constantly looking at a star in the sky, mesmerized by it's brightness. As you try to figure out what I mean by that, stop wasting your time. I look at the sky a lot. Stars are beautiful. Don't judge me.

So as I look at this beautiful star, my mind wanders. While it wanders, I think things that I probably shouldn't think. I want to do things I probably shouldn't do. Yet it still wanders. Searching for the perfect desires. Scanning my memories for moments when I was swimming in happiness. There's different degrees or tiers of happiness. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll be glad to personally explain it to you. I won't right now though. The point I'm trying to make is simple. You wake up in the morning thinking what kind of day you're going to have and it either goes well or bad. Each day is different in its on way even if it seems that it feels the same. I, for one, am tired of feeling the way I do each and every day. So I'mma strive to change it. As I look at the star every night, it will remind me that I need to get my shit together and do what's necessary to achieve my ultimate goal. True happiness.

13 November 2009

Random.....Just Random (try to understand)

it is what it is which is this or a fist wit a wish to kiss this chick on the top of mii list sexy and sweet a heart wit no beat six toes on both feet dimples on your cheek an outcome so bleak we've reached our peak a kiss on the cheek departing with an outreach washed away wit bleach for i think i just skeet so excited but can't speak

heading down then around avoid the ground there's a sound home ward bound scared of the clown at the foot of my bed creeping to my head eyes open partially red hair starting to shed shoot him now make him dead run away shoes gone astray runnin faster then they meet me halfway where we went yesterday but wait.......just wait.....i feel it........hold's comin......stay low........i hear it i see it i smell it believe it too far to fear it

glock in hand holding real tight the taste of the steel leaked onto my mouth whats it all about what we doin wrong its been so long i feel so strong i can take control i demand the ability i can sustain it wont be denied it'll be classic just open your eyes i'll die before i lie about my integrity sensitive i am think wit my dick but thrive wit my heart strive for a part in your life that'll be my defining point of invincibilty

Behind The Shadows

The heart of a true love only beats for you

The soul of a true love only mates with you

The mind and body tends to falter behind you

The mind and body tends to distort what we see as reality

The tendency to be loved and desired only to fall apart

What is it behind the shadows of the unfaithful heart?

Or is it the heart that’s just the scapegoat…taking the fall

As the mind and body together unravel the work of the heart

The mind sends the impulses; the body acts; the heart gets conflicted

Time and time again the cycle goes; a tortured soul is born

Burned into it; forever tainted with the blood of adultery

Are sinister forces at work or is it the act of man?

Does the devil lurk around giving the necessary push to act out?

Engraved in a man’s soul are the previous failures of control

Fighting the urge that was bestowed on us at birth

The very testosterone that differs us physically, affects us mentally

Natural aggression; Natural urges; Natural failures of control

What will it take? What will we do to control the fate we’ve suffered?

Why hasn’t the evolution of our mental capabilities prevented this?

Acceptance is needed but frowned upon

It’s embedded in our soul; Embedded in our minds

For behind the shadows is not the devil or god

It’s just you; preventing yourself from evolution

12 November 2009


I've come across this bridge before. Why am I more inclined to continue this time?
I've sat on this rock before. Why am I still sitting here?
I walk. You stop. You walk. I stop.
This is all to familiar. That faint sound gets louder.
Strange? Maybe. Unfamiliar? Not in the least.
It's a quick pace. Starting to feel insanely weird. I don't like it.
Listening to it frightens me. That drumming sound full of base.
Look left. Look right. Look up. Look down. Straight ahead. Turn around.
Something is coming behind me. Shadows of the night.
That faint to loud sound gets deafening now. I run to get away from the shadows.
There's so many of them. Surrounding me all at once.
No where for me to go. No way for me to escape.
They stand and look at me. No eyes. No body. Just shadows with a dark aura.
I wait. I shake. I pray. Then stop.
Apparent to me know. I know these shadows. What do they want?
I move, they move. I run, they run. Mimicking me down to the last stomp.
What do you want from me?
What do you desire to do?
It's just my own voice that I hear. That and the drumming.

You Don't Realize it Until You're Asked

It's been a minute since I wrote anything, but I'mma break that streak right now wit something real. My wife and I have issues like any other couple. The main difference is probably most couples don't have someone that blogs. I'm not going to get into detail about our shit, but just know we're not seeing eye to eye. So as she's talking to me and asking about what I want and things of that nature, I don't really say anything. She then starts getting specific.

Do any of these people love you?
Do any of these people want you in there life for the rest of their life?
Do any of these people care about you?

So on and so forth. I literally was on the brink of tears and as I'm writing this at work, I'm on that brink again. I know the answer to that. I've always known the answer to that. Yet I keep letting 3rd parties control me. I keep letting people that don't give two shits about me delegate how I live my life. Why? Why do I care so much about people that don't care about me and turn my back on those that love me the most? It makes no sense. It's the dumbest shit I'm doing. If someone has an answer for that, please let me know cuz this shit is ridiculous. My son is lacking clothes yet I'm spending/lending money to people that don't appreciate me. WTF!!!!!!!!

05 November 2009

The Way Things Work

I never understood the way some things worked. Well, to a certain extent. Like trying to get your first job: Hard to find cuz no one wants to hire you without experience, yet you can't get experience until someone hires you. Same thing with credit. The fact you get punished for things once is fine, but to get punished for the same thing is just fucked up.

My situation is very simple. As a 19 yr old in the Air Force, I spent A LOT of money. I was young and wasn't used to that type of paycheck. When i got married, I was making twice as much. I mean seeing over a grand in a paycheck was amazing to me. So I was splurging. Not understanding my credit, I was using that up to. Then started utilizing payday loans, which I don't even remember how or why i got into that. When the calls to my job started, that's when the red flags flew up and when the probing began. My supervisor said he could help.....tried to help....ended up actually making things worse. I mean my credit was and still is HORRIBLE!!!!!! At that time, it was semi-manageable. Either way, I got punished for it by separating from the Air Force for what they call a pattern of misconduct. BULLSHIT but whatever.

That brings to the now. I was out of the Air Force from June 06 to Sep 07. In between, I worked at a couple jobs, nothing better then a contractor for PlaneTechs in Alabama, but couldn't maintain that for transportation reasons. So when I found this job, my debt was really bad since everything basically defaulted and the car that I did have was repoed in January of 07. The fact that I had to upgrade to a TS clearance means my background was going to be probed. I have a clean record, but the Air Force discharge and the financial history was the problem. I had a hearing to address those concerns. To prove I'm working on my financial history, I showed my debt management program which shows I'm making an effort the best way I can. My argument for the Air Force was that I was young.....which I was. I'm 24 years old right now and gained the maturity necessary to avoid that "pattern" of misconduct. Yet the Administrative Judge didn't feel that way. Not only was I ruled against, but my clearance was immediately pulled. Now my job is in limbo.

While going thru the appeal process, I have to be thankful that I'm liked. I'm going to do everything I can to maintain my job, but I must say that this is bullshit. I'm doing what I can to rectify the situation, yet I'm still seen as a huge liability. I can see why the Government would think that someone would sell secrets to a foreign government for money, but that would occur for anyone unless you're already rich. The fact that I'm in debt doesn't really make me more of a liability then someone with no debt. Maybe for a car loan, but not for a job. It makes no sense to me, but I have to deal with it. I will win my appeal because I wont accept defeat.

Damn right,

04 November 2009

Never Saw It Comin

I don't have much of a dating history. Nowhere near as lengthy as my sexual history, just to put it out there. I want to take the time to go down memory lane for a second to get to my point.

March 2002. Fayetteville, NC. I was a junior in high school. My dad was stationed at Ft. Bragg along with my uncle and favorite cousin, Carlanda. Through her is how I met Jessica Marie Clayton. We met at a skating ring that I got talked in to going to just to meet her. We barely talked to each other for reasons unknown, but we had our first moment by skating together to the song Satisfy You by P. Diddy and R. Kelly. Fantastic. From that point on, I basically tried to court her since she was dating someone at the time. If I remember correctly, it took about 3 days to actually succeed. From that point on, my life kinda surrounded that relationship. I brought her along on family bowling nights, talked to her everyday as often as possible. Tried to see her as often as possible. I mean we were in love and lame at the same time. She'd be bored at certain times and just decide to fuck wit me. I'd be so lame that not only do I let her, I'd force some shit out. For example, an ongoing thing she used to do is just say she wants to break up wit me. I'd ask why and she'd say whatever comes to mind at that time. I'd sit there like a lil bitch and start forcing out tears like she could see me. Sad. A black eye on my rep yo. This was like a daily occurrence. It wasn't always like that, of course. When we were together, I swear my dad was helping me out cuz he left us alone quite often. When I visited her at her house, we walked down to the school and engaged in a little action there on the steps (I wonder if that condom has been found lol). I mean it was a good time in my life.

So how did it all come to an end? Simple really. I got impatient. I haven't seen her for a while and every time I asked when I was gonna see her, she didn't sound optimistic about it at all. I decided to walk to her house early in the morning, which is like 10 miles or something like that. With the right timing, I should have been there after her mom left. Nope. I got there as her mom was leaving. I turned my back and started walking to the park. I didn't think she saw me. She did. I go to Jessica's house, surprising her, thinking we were going to be able to chill for a good minute. Few minutes later, her mom comes in. I hide in the closet, but she already knew I was in the house. Caught. When I initially left, she came out to talk to me and tried to calm me down saying everything was ok. Her mom called my dad and we were basically banned from each other for a while. But as time went by, she no longer wanted to be with me so....yea.

Basically we both moved on. She ended up moving to Virginia that summer. I stayed in Fayetteville so focused on sex that I was skipping school for it. Every once in a while, I'd find her and see how she is. That brings me to now. For the past couple years, we didn't really talk much. Back in 2007 (maybe 06), I tried seeing her for the first time in years. She told me where she lived and everything. I was visiting my mother in Newport News and I drove out to her house. She not only wasn't there, but she didn't answer any of my phone calls. I don't think i even had a cell phone. I was calling her using a pay phone and I believe I used quite a few quarters. Yea, she had a reasonable excuse that escapes me at the moment, but it was still frustrating and disappointing. Since then, we didn't talk much. That was until recently. By recently, I mean like two weeks ago. So far it's been just online, but everyday when I log on yahoo, we talk. Funny thing is we actually have quite a few things in common that makes things funnier. For example, our love for Family Guy and Robot Chicken. We both have two kids, one being a newborn, and can share stories about em. We're both in complicated situations. I mean it's very minor things, but we can basically talk to each other about any and every thing.

With that said, I'd really like to thank Ms. Clayton for being a good friend. I'll try to keep everything real wit you and maintain giving you decent advice. Yea, I never saw that comin.

Fa Real,