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Showing posts from November, 2009

Headache

It's so deep. Throbbing. Like 600 jets flying in circles, full throttle. So loud. So thunderous. Each jet symbolizing my problems. Some flying over more then others. Land somewhere already. Shouldn't you be at bingo fuel by now? What.......the......fuck!!!!! Confusion. Trust. Love. Frustration. We need to talk. We need to be close. I need to see you. I need to feel you. I can't be on the bench anymore. I've watched enough. I've let this shit ride long enough. I shall emerge. I shall win you over or lose you in the process. I've come to grips with it. What the fuck yo? Seriously, what the fuck? How? Why? Howhy? Not a typo, I said howhy? This is the 2nd least making sense blog I wrote which shows this headache is persistent. It's gonna destroy me. It's gonna deafen me. I shall not be silenced, but it will overcome me. From headache, to toothache, to chestache, to slight heart burn with a heavy dose of heart attack. Ailing? A lil bit. Bitter? Not so much. …

Drawing a blank

I've neglected this thing for the past couple days because...well....I just didn't feel like writing. I've been stressed lately and nothing is really helping. Trey's birthday was on Sunday. He turned 4 and still a spoiled brat. Tristan is attached to Daddy.....guess he's Daddy deprived. Then there's the spouse that seems to be just as attached.....if not more. Being loved is the best feeling in the world. I may not feel that way everywhere, but I do at home. When I'm not with them, I find myself constantly looking at a star in the sky, mesmerized by it's brightness. As you try to figure out what I mean by that, stop wasting your time. I look at the sky a lot. Stars are beautiful. Don't judge me.
So as I look at this beautiful star, my mind wanders. While it wanders, I think things that I probably shouldn't think. I want to do things I probably shouldn't do. Yet it still wanders. Searching for the perfect desires. Scanning my memories for mom…

Random.....Just Random (try to understand)

it is what it is which is this or a fist wit a wish to kiss this chick on the top of mii list sexy and sweet a heart wit no beat six toes on both feet dimples on your cheek an outcome so bleak we've reached our peak a kiss on the cheek departing with an outreach washed away wit bleach for i think i just skeet so excited but can't speak
heading down then around avoid the ground there's a sound home ward bound scared of the clown at the foot of my bed creeping to my head eyes open partially red hair starting to shed shoot him now make him dead run away shoes gone astray runnin faster then they meet me halfway where we went yesterday but wait.......just wait.....i feel it........hold on......it's comin......stay low........i hear it i see it i smell it believe it too far to fear it
glock in hand holding real tight the taste of the steel leaked onto my mouth whats it all about what we doin wrong its been so long i feel so strong i can take control i demand the ability i can …

Behind The Shadows

The heart of a true love only beats for youThe soul of a true love only mates with youThe mind and body tends to falter behind youThe mind and body tends to distort what we see as realityThe tendency to be loved and desired only to fall apartWhat is it behind the shadows of the unfaithful heart?Or is it the heart that’s just the scapegoat…taking the fallAs the mind and body together unravel the work of the heartThe mind sends the impulses; the body acts; the heart gets conflictedTime and time again the cycle goes; a tortured soul is bornBurned into it; forever tainted with the blood of adulteryAre sinister forces at work or is it the act of man?Does the devil lurk around giving the necessary push to act out?Engraved in a man’s soul are the previous failures of controlFighting the urge that was bestowed on us at birthThe very testosterone that differs us physically, affects us mentallyNatural aggression; Natural urges; Natural failures of controlWhat will it take? What will we do to co…

Surrounded

I've come across this bridge before. Why am I more inclined to continue this time?I've sat on this rock before. Why am I still sitting here? I walk. You stop. You walk. I stop. This is all to familiar. That faint sound gets louder. Strange? Maybe. Unfamiliar? Not in the least. It's a quick pace. Starting to feel insanely weird. I don't like it. Listening to it frightens me. That drumming sound full of base. Look left. Look right. Look up. Look down. Straight ahead. Turn around. Something is coming behind me. Shadows of the night. That faint to loud sound gets deafening now. I run to get away from the shadows. There's so many of them. Surrounding me all at once. No where for me to go. No way for me to escape. They stand and look at me. No eyes. No body. Just shadows with a dark aura. I wait. I shake. I pray. Then stop. Apparent to me know. I know these shadows. What do they want? I move, they move. I run, they run. Mimicking me down to the last stomp. What do you want from me? What…

You Don't Realize it Until You're Asked

It's been a minute since I wrote anything, but I'mma break that streak right now wit something real. My wife and I have issues like any other couple. The main difference is probably most couples don't have someone that blogs. I'm not going to get into detail about our shit, but just know we're not seeing eye to eye. So as she's talking to me and asking about what I want and things of that nature, I don't really say anything. She then starts getting specific.
Do any of these people love you? Do any of these people want you in there life for the rest of their life? Do any of these people care about you?
So on and so forth. I literally was on the brink of tears and as I'm writing this at work, I'm on that brink again. I know the answer to that. I've always known the answer to that. Yet I keep letting 3rd parties control me. I keep letting people that don't give two shits about me delegate how I live my life. Why? Why do I care so much about people …

The Way Things Work

I never understood the way some things worked. Well, to a certain extent. Like trying to get your first job: Hard to find cuz no one wants to hire you without experience, yet you can't get experience until someone hires you. Same thing with credit. The fact you get punished for things once is fine, but to get punished for the same thing is just fucked up.
My situation is very simple. As a 19 yr old in the Air Force, I spent A LOT of money. I was young and wasn't used to that type of paycheck. When i got married, I was making twice as much. I mean seeing over a grand in a paycheck was amazing to me. So I was splurging. Not understanding my credit, I was using that up to. Then started utilizing payday loans, which I don't even remember how or why i got into that. When the calls to my job started, that's when the red flags flew up and when the probing began. My supervisor said he could help.....tried to help....ended up actually making things worse. I mean my credit was an…

Never Saw It Comin

I don't have much of a dating history. Nowhere near as lengthy as my sexual history, just to put it out there. I want to take the time to go down memory lane for a second to get to my point.
March 2002. Fayetteville, NC. I was a junior in high school. My dad was stationed at Ft. Bragg along with my uncle and favorite cousin, Carlanda. Through her is how I met Jessica Marie Clayton. We met at a skating ring that I got talked in to going to just to meet her. We barely talked to each other for reasons unknown, but we had our first moment by skating together to the song Satisfy You by P. Diddy and R. Kelly. Fantastic. From that point on, I basically tried to court her since she was dating someone at the time. If I remember correctly, it took about 3 days to actually succeed. From that point on, my life kinda surrounded that relationship. I brought her along on family bowling nights, talked to her everyday as often as possible. Tried to see her as often as possible. I mean we were in lo…