33

I want to speak my mind and heart. I turned 33 10-days ago and the only thing that I felt was emptiness. I've been struggling all my life on what I want to do in my life and the more I think about it, the more lost I become. Being alone in the southwest doesn't help things as I feel like I miss everything.

Everything started so well on May 4th and then went to shit. I haven't been stressed like this in a long ass time and I truly felt myself breaking down. Every day I ask myself the same handful of questions, unable to get any answers. Combine that with how things are in the rest of the country, I've truly lost desire to remain in this world as a human being. No joke, I really have a hate for humans, it's weird. Obviously not all, but enough to make me detest this world. I'm not going to go through every single thing that is going on for anyone to really understand what I mean, but it's truly frustrating how the human nature can be.

That aside, I've been going through a transition for what feels like the umpteenth time. I know the only reason why I remain here in this world and it's the same reason why I kept doing the things that I've done for so long. Trust me, I know I'm being very vague but I know if I actually say everything, actually put everything into words, all of the emotion that I suppressed will just overflow. So what am I saying? What's the point of all of this? Honestly, I don't really know. Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe I'm suffering from anxiety. Maybe I have some form of PTSD that I didn't really know about due to the fact that I think it wasn't a traumatic experience. Yet, at the end of the day, the one thing I do know is that there's no reason I should continue letting things out of my control affect me like this. I used to say, as advice to others, stop worrying about things that's out of your control. The fact that I let things that aren't in my control affect me is my first mistake.

However, I also know that the majority of my stress is related to things that are in my control. They are things that require my attention... require my presence... require my money... require my care. Those are the things that have me on the brink of a mental and emotional breakdown. Shit, let's be real, I may be in the need of a good cry to reset my focus. At the same time though, it's not something I can force. I know it's there though; the moments of tears just randomly falling from my eyes are annoying but without reason. It's in there... my body wants to purge everything that I've been suppressing because of the stress it's putting on my body. That's probably why my heart has been feeling so weird lately. The main question that I have to answer is "what am I going to do?". All of the other questions I constantly ask myself are pointless right now. The one question that needs to be answered is that one.

I know, four paragraphs in and I haven't been specific on anything. It's not lost on me, but I don't intend on going into details. I had intent, a purpose, for this, but now I'm not so sure. Originally, I just wanted to get my thoughts on "paper" and it ended up turning into me pussy-footing around the real issue. If I was to summarize it, I'd say that I'm truly lost and suffering. I've always been the type of guy that keeps to himself, not necessarily sharing my personal life with the masses... but now, I find myself sharing the fact that I may be weak... I may not have the strength to truly carry the weight that I've taken on.

That's when I truly realize what I've subconsciously always knew. If this post isn't proof enough, I don't think anything really is. When it comes down to it, my true "calling" is that of a writer. Whether it be poems, lyrics, short stories, books... maybe even opinion pieces; writing seems to be where I feel comfortable. My career has been in electrical or electronics... From being an avionics tech to now a manufacturing tech, my 14 professional years have been spent dealing with electronics. Naturally, I thought being an electrical engineer was my "destiny". Yet, I don't really feel happy doing that. When it comes down to it, I may have been backwards... Electronics were my hobby and writing is my profession... My hobby makes money, while my career is just for fun. When I look at it like that, things start to make sense.

But where do I go from here? Many people have dreams of writing a best selling novel or writing a script for a popular TV show or movie. Thinking about it, the only ones that have really commented on my writing are people I know. I've never had a stranger read anything of mine, so I have no confidence in my abilities. That's not something that will stop me from doing anything, it's just a wall that has been in my way for almost 2 decades. Being so recluse and introverted to a point that I really can't market myself is a problem. Until I fix that, nothing will change. Nothing will come to fruition if I don't truly put myself out there. Maybe now that I realize it, I can take steps forward.

When it comes down to it, I may be depressed, anxious or some other form of a mental health issue that should be a cause for concern. However, I know myself pretty well. I know what it will take to pull myself out of this and get back to who I am. All I have to do is what I need to do and nothing more. Only then can I do what I want to do. Maybe one day I'll be able to actually put all my problems down on "paper"... maybe one day I'll finally be able to let go everything I've been suppressing. I'm not going to hold my breath though; I've been suppressing my emotions all my life and they usually spill out in a very embarrassing manner. A post on my blog isn't how my breakdown will be documented. By then, it'd be a recap like a SportsCenter highlight.