The Mind of B

I want to speak my mind and heart. I turned 33 10-days ago and the only thing that I felt was emptiness. I've been struggling all my life on what I want to do in my life and the more I think about it, the more lost I become. Being alone in the southwest doesn't help things as I feel like I miss everything. Everything started so well on May 4th and then went to shit. I haven't been stressed like this in a long ass time and I truly felt myself breaking down. Every day I ask myself the same handful of questions, unable to get any answers. Combine that with how things are in the rest of the country, I've truly lost desire to remain in this world as a human being. No joke, I really have a hate for humans, it's weird. Obviously not all, but enough to make me detest this world. I'm not going to go through every single thing that is going on for anyone to really understand what I mean, but it's truly frustrating how the human nature can be. That as...

CHAPTER 1 AFTER SILK’S DEATH I watched the ambulance leave as the crime scene was being quarantined. I zoned out during the initial process of cops arriving, taking pictures and doing the whole “cop thing”. I didn’t really snap back until I saw EMTs placing Silk’s lifeless body in a body bag. Investigators and Detectives approached me, but I wasn’t in the mood to talk. Scratch that, it wasn’t that I wasn’t in the mood; I literally couldn’t formulate a proper sentence. I was in shock. They quickly realized that I was in no condition to answer questions, so they left me with contact info for me to utilize when I finally could speak. I finally managed to get into my car and leave her place. I didn’t know where I was going to go at first as I started driving. There was no way I could go home right now. I didn’t expect to feel so distraught; never realizing my own admiration for her. Why didn’t I realize it before? No sense in dwelling on it now. For now, I need to clear my head. ...

"Dragon King?” Dovik stated as if he didn’t quite hear Moq correctly. “I was under the impression that dragons were a myth.” “So were we until Aleius discovered a hive in the Easter Desert.” Moq replied. “A hive?” Dovik looks at Moq in disbelief. “How did he discover a hive?” “I say discover but more like fell into their hive. While we were training in the desert, he fell into a sand pit and was trapped for 3-days.” We watched the dragon fly around in a circle. “I’m still unsure of what actually happened down there but when he emerged from a cave on the back of a dragon… It was the most unreal thing I’ve ever seen.” “He didn’t tell you what happened?” Dovik wondered. “I asked him but he wouldn’t tell me. If you ask me, I think it traumatized him.” Moq looks at Dovik. “But it also empowered him.” As they continued to observe the drago...

How did this happen? I constantly ask myself this question the longer I float towards the surface. My hands were covered in blood but I can no longer tell if it’s mine or not. I’m sorry, Genevieve… I did all that I could. I can only hope you’re still alive somewhere. What I would give to see her smile again… To feel her lips and hold her body against mine with no desire to ever let her go. Wait… What am I doing? I swore I would protect her… I swore I would fight for her… I can’t die now; not like this. I must avoid getting to the surface. I look up as everything got brighter; confirming my close proximity to the surface. I attempted to move my fin; why is it so hard to move? I kept trying but realized I didn’t have the strength to do it. Shit… I guess this really is the end…. “ARI!!!!” Did I hear my name being called? “ARI!!!” There it is again. I open my eyes and look around. To my southwe...

Rattled with rage. Even though I'm free, I still feel like I'm stuck in a cage... No idea what it'll take to break these shackles and chains... No idea what I'm even tied to, it's strange... Look left, look right; nothing but my shadow and blood splatter from the moments I go deranged... Who am I, really? Why am I here? Who's the culprit that closed me off and left me in fear? Lost track of time, can no longer see the skies so no telling if help is near... On my own to draw alone, using my blood as paint... Stuck in an argument with myself, uh uh, no I ain't!!! Yes I will, no I won't! This is stupid, watch what you're doing as you continue to bleed all over the floor! The argument continues as my better half starts to completely lose it...until the light comes through the door... It's either my execution or my salvation but I'm too numb to feel danger... I look at him as he picks me up and holds me, telling me that he's here f...

DETERMINATION So your actions and words aren’t matchin, what’s the truth, I can only imagine… It’s a gamble either way which is probably the reason I stay… Lookin for the safe bet sounds like a way to get my eyes wet… My eyes are set on getting something wet but I’m not gon let me be the source Yet all I feel is remorse for allowing myself to become this attached to a woman with communication skills heavily lacked….. What is she thinkin? What is she wanting? Fuck all common sense, this anticipation is daunting… Daunting makes it intriguing; intrigue weakens my knees, preventing me to leave I’m determined to get you but don’t ask why, for my reason is non-existing… Ok, that’s a lie, I just prefer you don’t ask why, for my reason gives question to if I’m high… Shit I might be… For I’m determined to not leave until you can’t sleep without thinking about me… Fuck that, that’s not enough… You can’t have a thought without me creeping in and causing your daydreams… ...

I DON’T KNOW I don’t know what to do when my days and nights are filled with thoughts of you Yet when I reach out it’s like playing the lottery with uncertainty you’ll respond at all I don’t know what to do when my days and nights are filled with desires to see you Yet when I have the chance, I relinquish all pride as a man cuz I’m blowing up your phone due to your lack of answerin I don’t know what to say when I can feel my mind break with complete uncertainty of what you really think One minute you’re feelin me; the next you’re ignorin me; this cycle is indescribable, no wonder my heart and mind breaks What is there to really say when your words and actions are so far astray that it’s safe to say they don’t share the same mental space Are you lyin? Is it all on purpose? Is there something you get outta playin wit my emotions? I don’t get it…. I don’t know what to do when it comes to you… That’s a lie, cuz I actually do… I know what I should do but it’s so hard ...

I can feel my own demise, caused by self-pity and maybe a little rage The confidence I feel seems a little degraded for someone my age Expectations take a hit, losing a grip on the little bit of fucks that I still give Set in my ways; instead of turning the page, I burn the book and write a new Straighten out and breaking out, let this be the way that I start off in a different place With you or not, with me or not; I refuse all that brings bs to my face Simmered down my contempt; boiled up my content; you can’t deter me from my pace, you can’t break me from my ways; ain’t no changing what I am, for I am a man comfortable with the place that I’m in and the goals that I chase So when it comes to my demise, it’s controlled by me and something that’ll I end a little every day The question will be whether you’ll be with me when I reach my destination or stuck wondering what could have taken place So I wait…..  

Time is low… I have to keep this short and sweet You want to go… Claiming I’m not what I used to be I can’t allow it though… You’re solely responsible for the better me My worse; it was my worse side that refuses to sleep Yet I couldn’t help the fact I craved that love and affection When you weren’t giving it to me, I looked in other directions Granted, it’s not a good excuse for my indiscretions But be reasonable, you’re not cleaner; You’re plagued with imperfections Yet I brush it aside for it’s you that I want, whether you believe or nah Nah, don’t say nah.. Don’t say something that’ll barricade our life Unrepairable; just tension between us, thick enough to be cut by a knife The same knife you’re trying to use to cut me out your life I don’t want the sleepless nights; No energy for another fight I want to earn your attention since I put you in this position Short and sweet… I just need you to nod to acknowledge that you’ll listen…

I can feel it on my skin… The touch of a dominatrix There’s no pain from the whip… Can’t get enough of this sensation I’m enjoying your lips…. Fueling my imagination Yet I want to make it reality, no more of the temptation I’m ready for that body, I’m at the height of inflammation Come baby, enlighten me, show me how you puts it down I got that sleeping pill, just relax and let me knock you out On the bed; on the wall; I’ll hold you up and make you cum all around From the wall; to the bed; Rollin, rollin, rollin til we end up on the ground Say my name; scream it loud; Our lips together is the only way you don’t make a sound Red Bull or Gatorade; Either one is needed for another round Once is never enough when we take a trip to Pleasure Town And stay a night at the Splash Inn; Too impatient to dive in I say this with anticipation of you being on the same page I say this with anticipation of experiencing your seductive ways I feel your love festering up and...