The Mind of B

Rattled with rage. Even though I'm free, I still feel like I'm stuck in a cage... No idea what it'll take to break these shackles and chains... No idea what I'm even tied to, it's strange... Look left, look right; nothing but my shadow and blood splatter from the moments I go deranged... Who am I, really? Why am I here? Who's the culprit that closed me off and left me in fear? Lost track of time, can no longer see the skies so no telling if help is near... On my own to draw alone, using my blood as paint... Stuck in an argument with myself, uh uh, no I ain't!!! Yes I will, no I won't! This is stupid, watch what you're doing as you continue to bleed all over the floor! The argument continues as my better half starts to completely lose it...until the light comes through the door... It's either my execution or my salvation but I'm too numb to feel danger... I look at him as he picks me up and holds me, telling me that he's here f...

DETERMINATION So your actions and words aren’t matchin, what’s the truth, I can only imagine… It’s a gamble either way which is probably the reason I stay… Lookin for the safe bet sounds like a way to get my eyes wet… My eyes are set on getting something wet but I’m not gon let me be the source Yet all I feel is remorse for allowing myself to become this attached to a woman with communication skills heavily lacked….. What is she thinkin? What is she wanting? Fuck all common sense, this anticipation is daunting… Daunting makes it intriguing; intrigue weakens my knees, preventing me to leave I’m determined to get you but don’t ask why, for my reason is non-existing… Ok, that’s a lie, I just prefer you don’t ask why, for my reason gives question to if I’m high… Shit I might be… For I’m determined to not leave until you can’t sleep without thinking about me… Fuck that, that’s not enough… You can’t have a thought without me creeping in and causing your daydreams… ...

I DON’T KNOW I don’t know what to do when my days and nights are filled with thoughts of you Yet when I reach out it’s like playing the lottery with uncertainty you’ll respond at all I don’t know what to do when my days and nights are filled with desires to see you Yet when I have the chance, I relinquish all pride as a man cuz I’m blowing up your phone due to your lack of answerin I don’t know what to say when I can feel my mind break with complete uncertainty of what you really think One minute you’re feelin me; the next you’re ignorin me; this cycle is indescribable, no wonder my heart and mind breaks What is there to really say when your words and actions are so far astray that it’s safe to say they don’t share the same mental space Are you lyin? Is it all on purpose? Is there something you get outta playin wit my emotions? I don’t get it…. I don’t know what to do when it comes to you… That’s a lie, cuz I actually do… I know what I should do but it’s so hard ...

I can feel my own demise, caused by self-pity and maybe a little rage The confidence I feel seems a little degraded for someone my age Expectations take a hit, losing a grip on the little bit of fucks that I still give Set in my ways; instead of turning the page, I burn the book and write a new Straighten out and breaking out, let this be the way that I start off in a different place With you or not, with me or not; I refuse all that brings bs to my face Simmered down my contempt; boiled up my content; you can’t deter me from my pace, you can’t break me from my ways; ain’t no changing what I am, for I am a man comfortable with the place that I’m in and the goals that I chase So when it comes to my demise, it’s controlled by me and something that’ll I end a little every day The question will be whether you’ll be with me when I reach my destination or stuck wondering what could have taken place So I wait…..  

Time is low… I have to keep this short and sweet You want to go… Claiming I’m not what I used to be I can’t allow it though… You’re solely responsible for the better me My worse; it was my worse side that refuses to sleep Yet I couldn’t help the fact I craved that love and affection When you weren’t giving it to me, I looked in other directions Granted, it’s not a good excuse for my indiscretions But be reasonable, you’re not cleaner; You’re plagued with imperfections Yet I brush it aside for it’s you that I want, whether you believe or nah Nah, don’t say nah.. Don’t say something that’ll barricade our life Unrepairable; just tension between us, thick enough to be cut by a knife The same knife you’re trying to use to cut me out your life I don’t want the sleepless nights; No energy for another fight I want to earn your attention since I put you in this position Short and sweet… I just need you to nod to acknowledge that you’ll listen…

I can feel it on my skin… The touch of a dominatrix There’s no pain from the whip… Can’t get enough of this sensation I’m enjoying your lips…. Fueling my imagination Yet I want to make it reality, no more of the temptation I’m ready for that body, I’m at the height of inflammation Come baby, enlighten me, show me how you puts it down I got that sleeping pill, just relax and let me knock you out On the bed; on the wall; I’ll hold you up and make you cum all around From the wall; to the bed; Rollin, rollin, rollin til we end up on the ground Say my name; scream it loud; Our lips together is the only way you don’t make a sound Red Bull or Gatorade; Either one is needed for another round Once is never enough when we take a trip to Pleasure Town And stay a night at the Splash Inn; Too impatient to dive in I say this with anticipation of you being on the same page I say this with anticipation of experiencing your seductive ways I feel your love festering up and...

Supply and demand... That's the current issue at hand, maybe the root of it all When the supply exceeds the demand, should all be recalled? Can it really be taken back when declarations were already made? Was it all just a phase? A fad like bell bottoms from back in the day... Sitting here missing you and the smile that you used to portray Whether real or fake, it didn't change the possibility that you were happy this way... Complications in our day to day, thinking that being official was really the only way Only way to be happy, considering the complexities of everything else that we hated to say Mentions of our home life, dealing with the unhappiness yet be at peace when we saw each other's face Knowing nothing but the pain, the mistakes of our hearts to easily be led astray Yet I thought you were special, thought everything was great and smiled at the possibility that this really could be fate I hate my inability to capitalize on the opportunities...

The heart’s flame… How it burns so strong yet fragile to the winds of change.. The wrong change can cause my heart’s flame to burn out… Yet the tornado winds you’ve set upon me has only spread this fire… Hot all over, burning with strong desire to express this fire.. Seems the heat is starting to get to me as I become my worst enemy… Hard to see things clearly, hallucination is starting to set in…. I need to get this fire under control before it burns away who I am… More importantly, this fire will cause you to evacuate… Taking my time, I look for ways to get it under control… All I can think about is how badly the damage really is…   Resisting the urge to extinguish my flame, you hold on to me… Aware of the risks, you give me a kiss that settles the burn… My heart’s flame settles to controllable levels… You look at me with kindness and reassurance… Lightly touching my hands to show that you won’t leave my side… Only thing wrong was the fact you were causing my flame...

FATE Sunset….Moonrise… Dawn and dusk…. It’s all alike. The whispers of the wind taken in by the fog of the river… Midnight to daylight, daylight to somber night… Hand in hand they go, on a double date with the cold and the snow… Body shivers… lips quiver as the body kicks up survival efforts… All of this speaks in beauty and elegance as the heart weeps… Knees to elbows, indentations of a thinking man except for the tears in hand.. Tears in hand show the sorrow of tomorrow encouraged by the missing of the misses An endless list of desires headlined by the kiss of the one admired by the soul… So here I hold. Here I fold. The fetal position is my friend. I fear nothing but the end The end of the light that you shine from a smile or the warmth your body brings.. The sparkle in your eyes that dulls the brightest diamond ring… It’s in this moment I fear loneliness more than eternal rest… But I digress……The silence ruined by the strength of my beating chest.. ...

Point of no return, meaningless squabbles of the heart Sifting through the sand, losing sight of who I am The rain falls with incredible force; raindrops of intensity My mind feels scrambled, maybe more like pureed My fingers feel numb; it’d be a shame for us to end this way There’s a muddy outlook; it’s still buried in the sand I pause; I fail to breathe in even as I begin to fall out Dragged through the Earth, please let me be I can’t handle this, I just want to sleep Pouring it out, feeling the difference in your aura To say I’m lost is an understatement, equal to you being decent looking The moment of clarity, the moment of truth If I’m to perish, my own influx in my disparities must be magnified It’s a clinical thought, maybe commitment would help Heart ache becomes heart attack, but no enemy in site Happiness suicide, it’s the end result of mental nonsense

SHATTERED Shattered.... Pieces everywhere capable of harm.   I try to pick em up so I can move on but can't get them all.   Each progressive step has the potential to step on a shard...   Whoops, spoke to soon... A+ left on the floor.   Pick up more pieces that I can see in my blood I know for a fact if I can make it out of the shatter zone, all will be well Yet I don't know how big the zone is..   As   I tip toe through, I start to see more pieces...   Clearly that way is not where I should go.   Before I can turn, my attention is drawn beyond the shards...   What is that? Better yet....... Who is that?   The figure stopped, waiting for me to approach...   The desire is there, but I doubt my ability to pass through the fallout..   My name is called in the distance...   The figure becomes clear.... I swear a Goddess just appeared.   I was sure she was grabbing a hold of my soul..   I was stuck ...

ENDLESS SILENCE It’s quiet. Too quiet. I can hear my own heartbeat. I’m sitting here with you, though, waiting on you to speak. A kiss on the cheek…no response. Massaging your feet…you’re yelling stop. What did I fail to cover as we sit in udder silence… Then I realize what’s going on… Can you hear a tree fall in the woods of the Amazon when you’re in Arizona? No, but you know it happens… Can you hear my heart beat with such distance between us? No, but you know it’s beating… Yet, why does my voice fall on deaf ears? Is it another that’s gathered your interest? Has another taken your heart as I sit thinking of ways to provide for us? All I ever wanted was to make you happy, give you the life that you desire… Little did I know, you’ve already had someone else setting your soul on fire… What made me unloveable? What made me undesirable? I see now…I don’t hold a place in your heart that coincides with the beating.. The tears may fall and the noise wo...

DOUBTLESS You feel it, don’t you? Those many impulses doubting your decision. You want to change your mind, yet at the same time you don’t… It bothers you….It haunts you… Makes you doubt everything… Maybe you don’t want to move on…. Maybe you’re afraid of change I know you’re scared of what lies ahead….It’s natural and expected… But I have faith in you to pull through because you’re stronger than you think You may not want to be alone, but you do agree this is best… You’ve been overwhelmed with guilt for no reason…. Each passing moment brings you closer to changing your mind. With no hidden agenda, I just want to assure you that I’m on your side… I’m here for you beyond what you think because I’ve been where you are…. I’ve wrestled with the python of doubt only to succumb to the poison time and time again In fact, I have more than one of those deadly bites.. Each time, the doubt takes part of your soul… But why? Why does doubt consume so much of one’s b...

BREATHE You’ve been motionless for a while now as your chest rises and falls. You try to speak but the words weren’t forming. Breathe, baby, breathe. You look at me, not sure what just happened. I smile at you, taking your hand into mine, bringing it to my lips. I can see it in her eyes; she was ready again, wanting to feel my body against hers. Breathe, baby….I’m about to bless your temple. We locked hands; you locked your legs around me as I licked your neck. You took deep inhales and pleasantly sounding exhales. Deeper….faster….harder….grab your hips… All I could do was smile as I continued granting your wish.. Damn, baby, breathe….I didn’t realize your climax was that intense. I couldn’t help but intensify my love motions Motivated and determined to be a man you’ll never forget You’re barely able to breathe as you climax again. I’m barely able to contain my “ego” in the wake of this conquest I pull you on top of me, shifting into 6 th gear ...

So your actions and words aren’t matchin, what’s the truth, I can only imagine… It’s a gamble either way which is probably the reason I stay… Lookin for the safe bet sounds like a way to get my eyes wet… My eyes are set on getting something wet but I’m not gon let me be the source Yet all I feel is remorse for allowing myself to become this attached to a woman with communication skills heavily lacked….. What is she thinkin? What is she wanting? Fuck all common sense, this anticipation is daunting… Daunting makes it intriguing; intrigue weakens my knees, preventing me to leave I’m determined to get you but don’t ask why, for my reason is non-existing… Ok, that’s a lie, I just prefer you don’t ask why, for my reason gives question to if I’m high… Shit I might be… For I’m determined to not leave until you can’t sleep without thinking about me… Fuck that, that’s not enough… You can’t have a thought without me creeping in and causing your daydreams… I’m not giving up,...

Moment of peace… Nothing but silence as the body and soul attempts to sleep. Mind racing with thoughts but dreams of many things has me feelin so lost. I want it… I don’t…I want it… I don’t…Fuck, it’s too late, I think my mind is broke Say what you want about the quickness I fell but there’s nothing fake about this stroke…. Or is this a heart attack, shit, I no longer know… I just hate the way it feels; Like my heart is sitting in my throat Numb to the cause? More like paralyzed to the effect…My body goes limp, I have nothing left. My goals are set, there’s nothing left but to put my mind to purpose and discover how much my worth is. Cutting the excrements created by the bull comes about the chance; the opportunity to reverse my once infinite sorrow She keeps my mind running to the point I can’t catch it without twisting and turning, leaving me in the precarious position to follow. Gone was yesterday, where I once played but the work in the present sets me straight f...

Walking in the desert sands, surrounded by the swirling wind Grasping my arms tightly with my hands, asking when this will all end Nothing around but the shadow of a man, not broken but left with quite a bend How did it become so difficult to stand? When did the disorientation begin? As the wind begins to subside and the dust clears the skies, the sun comes clear again The body continues to dry, the heat continued to rise and I feared touching my skin I knew if I felt the heat, my mind would get weak, leaving me with a task I can’t complete This journey wasn’t for fun and until this shit is done, I go on even at the cost of sleep I’m lost somewhere out here, I know I’m somewhere near yet some asshole is blocking my ability to see No amount of kicking and screaming can stop me from succeeding not while my disappearance is still a mystery I checked the highs and lows, my peak may be a mountain and my depression the depth of an ocean but when I’m at a  l...

     What it is, what it be like? It's been almost 5 years since my last post and I guess now is a good time to get back into this. A lot has been on my mind but I haven't really taken the time to put it all down in this thing that's designed to open the curtains to my mind's window. However, I'll try to be better about that for now on. This isn't the post that I'm going to start letting in the light; I mainly want to reintroduce myself to those that used to read my blog and introduce myself to newcomers.      I go by B, BJ, B Camp, Brent or Brent Jr - whatever floats your boat. I'm a writer, sometimes a poet, sometimes a rapper, but always a lover more than a fighter. With today being Veteran's Day, it seems fitting that this Air Force vet emerges from the pits of despair that is life and try to navigate through the hypocrisy, nonsense, and the other things that plagues our reality.     With all of that said, I welcome you to the Mind of B an...